As Melbourne residents continue to endure quite a shit end to 2021, one Footscray man can’t help but fantasise about what he’s gonna do once this all wraps up.

Theo James (27) is usually a landscaper, but for the last couple months he has been a welfare recipient.

“I’ve gone without” he says.

“I don’t want to sound like a whinger, but I usually get a lot of sunlight. Now I’m on 60 minutes of Vitamin D per day”

“And I live alone. So I can go days at a time without saying ‘hello’ to anyone in person. Its a tough slog mate”

However, as a single bloke, Theo says the most notable deprivation is his lack of intimacy.

“It has been so long brother. This is the longest I’ve gone since high school”

Theo says he’s watching the changes to the Victorian Government’s lockdown road map like a hawk.

“I guess anything is better than this”

“But, we’ve got a long way to go. And I have a lot of catching up to do”

“You know I haven’t even been pissed since like, what, May?”

While Melbourne’s famous nightlife will not return to normal for months, possibly years, Theo says all he can do is plan for what he will do when it does.

“I’m going all out. I’m going big” he says with a scary look in his eye.

“I’m gonna take a loan out from the bank…”

“…and pack a little carry bag with a change of undies and socks and some bottled water”

“And I’m gonna do a full fucken week at Revolver”

He smirks, while visibly daydreaming

“You ever been to that joint?? On Chapel Street?”



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