DR CHET SPEVENS | Finance Expert | CONTACT
Ask anyone with more money than sense and they’ll tell you the same thing: you’ve got to hold your money with the utmost class, and the same can be said for your money Bible, the Australian Financial Review.
Especially when you’re out and about in public places.
You see, one of the most important aspects of being rich is to ensure that other people know you are rich through the purchasing of material items. But you have to appear smart too. You must flaunt your financial literacy at every turn. And nothing says “I’m rich and smart with money, and I want you to know it” quite like publicly perusing the AFR.
But in the seriously important world of wealth management, one must approach reading the AFR with class, artfulness and finesse. Because it is not only the general public that you really need to impress, it’s the other AFR readers that you have to let know who’s boss.
But how does a very important person like yourself grip on to the AFR if they are to successfully signal that they’re clever and rich? Well, firstly, take your large, A3-sized hard copy of the AFR down to your local Old Boy’s Club that is still yet to allow female members and recline yourself onto one of the many leather seats.
Take a moment to appreciate the smell of cigar and mahogany.
As you open your Bible, you should opt for an oversized monocle. It screams old-money sophistication and simultaneously doubles as a magnifying glass for those tiny stock market graphs. Grip the sides of the paper firm but softly, and scoff aloud at the articles within.
And be sure to mispronounce “NASDAQ” as “Noz-dac” to show you’re so rich, you’ve evolved your own localised sharemarket dialect.
When turning the pages, use gold-plated tweezers instead of your well-manicured fingers. If you accidentally touch the paper, discreetly dab it with a silk handkerchief, preferably monogrammed with your initials.
As for your attire, wear a top hat and tails, even if the Old Boy’s Club says it’s ok just to wear a casual suit and tie. This will ensure you’re never mistaken for a mere millionaire.
When discussing articles from the AFR with your peers, employ phrases like “diversifying my portfolio” and “offshore tax havens” loudly enough for the entire establishment to hear. Bonus points if you can toss in a few nonchalant name-drops like,
“Gina said ‘this’ to me or Murdoch said ‘that’ to me or Twiggy’s going to do ‘this’ for me.”
Lastly, don’t forget to check your stock prices on your smartphone. Make sure the phone emits a loud “cha-ching” sound every time you check. This way, everyone will know you’re not only rich and well-read but tech-savvy too.
Flaunting your financial literacy is an art form. And it starts and ends with how you hold your Australian Financial Review.
Good luck!
