With conservative commentators backing Peter Dutton as the next Prime Minister, it has been revealed today the Minister of Defence has divided what remains of his soul into seven fragmented policies to be spread across seven factions within the Australian Liberal Party.

The fragments, known as ‘horcruxes’, will be hidden in the disguise of policies aimed at not allowing brown people to live in Australia – a constant, but less talked about, sentiment that remains hidden within both sides of federal politics – and one that Dutton has been familiar with for many years.

As outlined in popular anglo-celtic folklore, a Horcrux is an object in which a Dark wizard or witch has hidden a fragment of his or her soul for the purpose of attaining political immortality. Horcruxes can only be created after committing murder, the supreme act of evil, or allowing people to self-immolate.

With polls sliding, and political commentators gearing for yet another leadership spill, it is believed that the former Brisbane cop, and man who boycotted the national apology to the Stolen Generations, is backing himself as the champion of caucasian purity, to possibly take over from the embattled Scott Morrison in a desperate bid to remain on $200k a year in the midst of a pandemic that has seen Australia rank last in the OECD for our roll-out of immunisations.

When asked if he was worried about being taken out by younger political rivals, Dutton is quoted as saying “There are alleged facts that are being put forward by some of the advocates which are patently incorrect, if not fabricated.”

He then went on to point out that innumerate and illiterate refugees could take Australian jobs that Australians don’t want to have, before making a cheap shot at the Australian public broadcaster and Paul Keating.

It is not yet known how He-Who-Shall-Not-Be-Named-Prime-Minister will be received by his colleagues after his decision to once again blow up the Liberal Party.

However, his controversial decision to snipe Morrison can’t possibly be as bad as the circumstances surrounding his early retirement from the Queensland Police force – namely, the farewell gifts that were left on his desk on his last day at Fortitude Valley Police station.


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