LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
In case your old mate from uni who wears a Ramones shirt that matches his dog’s handkerchief hasn’t told you, Facebook has blocked access to news sites for Australian based users in order to avoid legislation that would see them spend money on something.
Now as the one third of Australians who receive most of their news updates through Facebook try to adjust to actively seeking out news, Minister of Au Pairs Peter Dutton has reminded Aussies that news can still be found the old fashioned way.
In an exclusive with The Advocate, Mr Dutton was kind enough to invite us into his childhood apothecary where he receives his news from his everlit bubbling cauldron of fortune.
“Gaze into the lilly white bubbles of this most precious chalice and know what destiny awaits your mortal souls,” stated Dutton, as he pricked the tip of a long and slender finger with the blade of his ancestral dagger, which is said to be forged in dragon fire.
“Beware what you seek, for what is told cannot be untold.”
“Except in the case of Witness K ahahahaha!”
According to Dutton, the Cauldron of Moirai is the most reliable news source there is, with exception to a Murdoch newspaper two weeks before an election.
“When one has paid with a blood sacrifice to the spirits of Sumai, they shall be bestowed upon with the wisdom of these forces greater than truth itself.”