ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Mining identities Clive Palmer and Gina Rinehart have been selected at random today to be among the first in the country to be immunised against the Pangolin’s Wrath.

The Federal Government greenlit the spicy cough jab today, paving the way for every person on this god-forsaken island to be saved from almost certain death.

Nevertheless, news that two of the countries most influential political forces have been invited to the front of the jab queue has been met with some criticism.

Some who support the elderly magnates getting the jab first say that if you have a gunt that’s the size and weight of a quality medicine ball, then the front of the queue you go because to have that hanging off you, your health must be quite poor.

Others say they should languish in this perpetual state of depressing and impending doom like the rest of us.

“When you look at these decrepit old bastards,” said one local man.

“You don’t see someone who can run a marathon. You see someone who can’t even get themselves up off the floor by themselves,”

“If either of them gets pissed by the pangolin, they’re probably going to die. Like quicker than Captain Tom Moore, at least he had a bit of go about him. These guys just make a few big decisions and turn cheese into feces.”

More to come.


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