Local Lawn King Kept Awake All Night Obsessing About How He’s Gotta Fix Up Those Edges
KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTThe curator of one of Betoota’s finest suburban lawns is struggling to get to sleep tonight as the thought of some unfinished edges haunt his dreams.
Stephen Kennards (42) of 45 Webcke Crescent in Betoota Heights has been impressing fellow lawn enthusiasts this year with his expertly manicured front lawn, a grass carpet so lush it resembles...
Local Diva Sends Family Reverse-Wishlist With All The Shit She Doesn’t Want For Christmas
KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACTHailee Martin has rarely done well at Christmas.
Thanks to having one parent that was a science teacher and another who was a meteorologist, Hailee has a long history of unwrapping dorky dud gifts that have brought her zero joy.
Whether it was the telescope she got in Year 2 when she asked for a Polly Pocket, or...
Office Worker With Problem Client Browses Their FB Profile To See If They Look Like A Clown In Real Life Too
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA frustrated office worker at her wits end with a needy client has today done a bit of online sleuthing, to see if ‘this Rebecca chick looks as much of a cunt as she’s acting.’
Commiserating with her fellow account managers, who too, all have at least one client that they’d punch in the face if given the opportunity,...
Dinner Treated With Extreme Caution After Mum Confesses That She’s Tried Something New
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
An unspoken shock and horror permeated through A Betoota family household this evening, as mum reveals that she has steered away from the staples.
As is commonly accepted within the family, Dad can nail the oriental style cuisines and grilled meat - while Mum is a master of the homely baked meals, casseroles and pastas.
These favourites are completely acceptable...
Broken Lock On Door Of Public Toilet Tests Occupant’s Core Strength
CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
Bryan Hatton has spent the last 24 minutes wrestling with the gruelling task of taking a dump while also hyperextending his left arm in order to keep the door shut, in the Betoota Hotel mens room.
It appears the door in the far-right stall has, at some point, suffered a blow from a patron’s boot on the basin-side.
Mr Hatton...
“Same Shit” Says Australian After Confusing Canadian Accent For American
MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACT
In a classic display of laidback ignorance, Australian man Myles Pereira (48) has declared Canadians and Americans are the "same shit" after being corrected by the Canadian girl he's talking to that she is in fact, Canadian.
The incident reportedly occurred during a casual conversation at a local pub, where Myles, overhearing a conversation between two people with what...
Local Chihuahua On Its Way To Fuck Up The Biggest Dog In The Park
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactA Betoota Heights chihuahua has today proven that what he doesn’t have in size, he makes up with sheer audacity, by making a beeline for the biggest dog in the park.
Proving that there are only two types of chihuahuas (the ones scared to be alive and the ones that could do with a bit more humility), ‘Dobby Reynolds’...
Bloke With Multiple Sisters Breaks Norms By Not Being A Spoilt Baby
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactIn some surprising news, a bloke who's the only male in his family has grown up to become a fully functional human being capable of forming healthy relationships, despite having four sisters and a divorced mum, it’s reported.
The bloke in question, Jake Moore, tells The Advocate that he’s always been held accountable for his actions and forced to...
CSIRO Finds Millennials Prefer Minimalism Because Their Grandparents House Was Full Of Useless Shit
EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle | ContactAs Gen Z have taken to Tik Tok to lambast millennials for their boring ‘minimalism’, it can now be confirmed that the reasons behind ‘millennial grey’ isn't just lack of funds but the trickle down effect of the ‘grandparents house.’
Speaking to a lead researcher in trends, The Advocate learns that many millennials have opted to lead a minimalist...
Awful Day At The Office Taken Out On Innocent Pedestrian Crossing Button
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACTA Betoota office worker's bad day is on display for all to see as an innocent pedestrian crossing button takes the brunt of their Daniel Powterian rough one.
After a month’s long lockdown finally gave them a sense of freedom, office worker Kearly Croone (39) has since been made to return to her fluorescent hell full time, despite the...
