Victorians are back in lockdown today, after four more community transmissions were picked up overnight, bringing the state’s official number of active cases to 40.

While Sky News, The Herald Sun and the Federal Government have been quick to blame the incapacitated and wheelchair bound Victorian Premier Dan Andrews for this Avalon-sized cluster, the few Australian journalists with the ability think critically have begun asking questions about why the fuck on 1.6% of Australian adults have been vaccinated.

In the three months since The Federal Government began the rollout of Australia’s COVID-19 vaccines, the United States and UK have managed to fully vaccinate over half their populations. Meaning in the time it’s taken us to give 4.5 million people at least one jab, our friends in the Northern Hemisphere have been able to plough through a couple hundred mil.

Now rivalling the binfire that was the 50 billion dollar NBN roll-out, Australia’s vaccine programme has suffered a range of setbacks since it started, none of which are our Prime Minister’s fault, obviously.

However, what is clear, is that if he’d vaccinated as many people as we were told he would have vaccinated by now, Victoria would not be in lock down.

“If more people were vaccinated, we might be facing a very different set of circumstances than we are today,” Victoria’s Acting Premier James Merlino told reporters, in an effort to subtly explain what the fuck has gone wrong here.

The fact that our government had secured more than one vaccine until April has not been brought up once in any of the major mastheads, as they preferred to focus their attention on the disrespectful alleged rape victims who dare to hold our government MPs to account.

Morrison’s decision to generate conspiratorial skepticism around the AstraZeneca vaccine’s extremely rare side effects in an effort to buy time has thrown the entire strategy into chaos, as the vast numbers of the Australian public becomes justifiably hesitant after all this talk of blood clots in the first 20 million vaccines that took 4 months to fucken get here.

“We don’t want to make promises that we can’t keep. That is incredibly important,” Prime Minister Scott Morrison assured Australians in January, before announcing more than a dozen vaccine targets, none of which have been met.

Last night on ABC’s 730, it was revealed that as of yesterday over 70 aged care homes in Melbourne had not received one vaccine.

However, that’s expected to change today, as Scotty From Marketing sends a clear message the people of Victoria.

“Yeah i’ve got the AstraZeneca, just leaving mine now” he texts them, as he jumps into shower.

“Oh by the way, we want you to take this vaccine again. All that fear-mongering, forget about it. This is the one we want you to take again. Stop being irresponsible and take it!”


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