The eastern European nation of Ukraine is today singing Australia’s praises, after our kind offer of assistance in the face of adversity.

With more nearly 200,000 Russian troops amassed on Ukraine’s border and the United States claiming that someone else other than them is about to invade a country, we’ve told Ukraine that we can lend a hand on the cyber warfare front.

Foreign Minister Marise Payne has reportedly informed her Ukrainian counterpart that Australia will provide “cyber security assistance to the Ukrainian government, including through a new bilateral Cyber Policy Dialogue and further cyber security training for Ukrainian officials.”

The thoughtful offer comes from a country that took 10 years to roll out a National Broadband Network riddled with ludicrously expensive and already obsolete copper wiring.

Just pipping the likes of Jordan, Costa Rica, and Montenegro to the title of 61st best internet speed in the world, it’s believed Australia’s Cyber expertise will be crucial in stopping Ukraine from becoming a Russian territory.

Speaking exclusively to The Advocate this morning, Marise Payne said our crack Cyber Warfare department, (which consists solely of a spotty 24 year old named Felix) is ready to hop on a plane and head over to Ukraine tonight.

“This war will be fought online as well as offline, and Felix is stocked up with monster energy drink and ready to hack and crack code,” laughed Marise today.

“Some of the things he can do with his PC are incredible,” she said.

“He doesn’t even use an Apple computer, so you know he’s a real nerd.”

“Anyway, the Russian factories of cyber warriors better watching out, because when Felix cracks the fingers and leans back on his chair, it’s business time.”

“And there’s no mucking around when that happens.”


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