In news that millions of locked down residents have been dying to hear, Australia will have nuclear-powered submarines at some point in the future.

With the country battling through an economic and health crisis as a result of the appalling failures by the federal government, Scotty from Marketing has fronted cameras to announce his big win.

The submarines, which won’t have the ability to let off some nuclear torps as is the impression given by the government, are part of a trilateral deal with the United States and the United Kingdom.

It comes at odds with constant pleas from energy activists to commit to funding nuclear power at a national retail level.

The ‘historic deal’ is a move designed to aggravate the fuck out of the biggest global power and our biggest trading partner, with an implication from the Brits and the Americans that they aren’t going to leave us to die if anything actually kicks off.

“This is a historic agreement,” said our Prime Minister who apparently has time to organise billion-dollar submarine deals but not pick up the phone to medical companies who could have saved the nation from being locked down for months on end.

The chest-puffing conference came with Boris Johnson and Joe Biden (who also apparently have nothing else to be worried about) joining in on some cringe blokey chat that shows the world our governments are serious about keeping the military industry going after wrapping up in Afghanistan.

“This affects us all. The future of the Indo-Pacific will impact all our futures,” said our Prime Minister who continues to ignore the greatest threat to the Pacific to keep the Coalition’s mates happy.

The announcement comes a week after the National Summit on Women’s Safety, where no commitments were made by the Prime Minister to protect 50% of our population, one of whom dies on average every single week.

Our ‘ground-breaking deal’ also sees the 90 billion dollar French Submarine deal thrown on the scrap heap, with vast amounts of tax payer dollars pissed away on paying consultants and lobbyists for no reason at all apparently.

“How good are submarines,” finished Scotty.


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