The Australian government is currently at panic stations today, after a much-needed win has turned very salty this morning.

The Prime Minister has fallen through again, after his promise of a million extra doses of Pfizer landing on Aussie shores has vanished into thin air.

While we were supposed to be blessed with an extra million doses – courtesy of the Polish Government, it can be revealed that our government is now the proud owner of 1,000,000 pickled cucumbers.

“Fuck,” sighed one of the health department officials this morning after opening one of the pallets.

“It’s full of pickled cucumbers,” he reportedly said.

“They’re Krakus at least, but this is less than ideal.”

“It’s got a handwritten note by someone with 3 z’s, 2 j’s, and a few w’s in their name as well as a suggestion for a good potato recipe that is sure to kill the virus.”

With half a million earmarked for young people in Sydney, the extra doses were set to be some welcome relief for our locked-down nation, with the people in charge proving they can actually get things done if they set their minds to it.

However, that no longer seems like the case.

A spokesperson from the Polish embassy named Szczymon Bartkiewicznski said he’s not sure what the fuss is.

“No problem. This very good cucumber. The best even. From Nowy Sącz. Pair with some herring and good bison grass vodka and you have perfect health,” said the big bushy mustache on Bartkiewicznski’s face.

“Don’t be ungrateful for Polish hospitality,” he continued.

“You eat.”


The Prime Minister was surprisingly unavailable for comment, and it’s yet to be revealed why this is the states fault.

More to come.


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