ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The time for panic is near but it is not today, that’s the message from popular bank simp Phillip Lowe today who decided to keep interest rates at an all time low.

For the upteenth consecutive quarter, the Reserve Bank has decided to protect banks and their speculative investor customers for another quarter because when the rate rise comes, the misery will follow.

Mr Lowe spoke briefly with The Advocate’s finance editor, Peter Aubergine, about what’s in store moving forward.

“Well,” he said.

“We can’t pull the economic handbrake just yet. We can’t let rates up. Just imagine what this country would be like if rates went up to 2% in a year. I mean, the children of rich people will be fine. They will always be fine. Imagine going through life knowing that nothing you do matters. You will always win in the end. They don’t have to be Aston Martin rich, they just need to own a home 20km from the General Post Office. That’s rich in anyone’s books,”

“A quick rate rise will put the people who’ve actually earned their home deposit under the bus. They’d be break dancing under the bendy bus. You’d be able to pour them through a mailslot by the time the bus is gone up the street. They’ll do their arse. There’s no wage growth in this country. If they spent a million on a sun-deprived red brick fuckhole on the hill next to a beach and two years later, it’s worth 800 then they’re fucked. They’d never recover from that. This life is too much of an unfair cunt for that. The only way you could would be to run crying into the embrace of mum and dad – at age 35 and that’s a bridge to far, even for me,”

“So, that’s why I kept the rates on hold for another quarter. Because I can’t let the bendy bus out of the depot until Labor is in, can I?”

The Advocate reached out to the Treasurer’s Office for comment but Mr Frydenberg had taken the day to see who’s been texting Gladys out of class.

More to come.


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