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New research suggests a gorilla who learned to communicate via sign language had the brainpower to do 90% of the jobs currently advertised in the Australian Public Service.

Koko the signing gorilla was mercifully taken from this spinning hell prison in 2018 but a team at the South Betoota Polytechnic College School of Animal Science has taken research previously undertaken by Stanford and used it to conclude that the majestic beast was much smarter than previously thought.

Speaking candidly to this masthead, Professor Gary Bean said he’s met a lot of public servants in his time and come close to Koko in terms of mental ability.

“Koko loved to complain about things, like having her pay frozen for 12 months and not getting enough leave,” he said.

“Which makes her a perfect fit for the Australian public service. People who work in the public service can’t survive in the wild, much like Koko who probably would’ve died had she been released back into the Congolese jungle. Perhaps she might’ve been shot by poachers? Who knows,”

“All in all, you have to be pretty clever to learn sign language. I don’t think there’s many public servants who could learn sign language, which makes Koko smarter than perhaps 90% of them.”

When asked why he holds a pretty dim view of the public service in general, Professor Bean said it’s because they complain about having a sweet job all the time.

“You should see how much some of those bastards get paid,” he said.

“And they just complain about not getting more money and not having enough time off. Like, Christ on a fucking pushbike going up a hill, just be thankful you have a fucking job and you don’t have to schlep it like some poor fucking wagey in a warehouse somewhere. Just the tone deafness of them all,”

“Oh man, I can go on for hours.”

More to come.


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