ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Our Great Protector Annastacia Palaszczuk has been forced to eat humble pavlova today and apologise to the rat people of Sydney after remembering she’s already won the state election.

Premier Palaszczuk said the current classification of the Greater Sydney Area as a Pangolin’s Wrath Hotspot will expire at midnight – while understandable restrictions are still in place for the Harbour Capital’s rat nests situated along their Northern Beaches.

“I have made a mistake,” said Palaszczuk.

“Closing the borders to New South Wales, which is the dream of every Queensland Premier, was a fantastic move during the election. It was a decision I made solely for the purpose of my own gain. If you think I shut the border to keep this spicy cough from deleting a few gibbering old economic handbrakes off the welfare system, then you’re a fucking idiot,”

“When this whole thing went down again in Sydney, it was my immediate knee-jerk response to close the border to hundreds of thousands of tourists in peak season. I accept that the decision was foolish and I now accept the science behind the Northern Territory’s decision to reopen their borders to bored and cashed up Sydney families. I have phone my NSW counterpart, Moody G, and told her to consider a cat scan because I think there’s rocks inside her head where her brain should be [laughs] Yeah, suck it up,”

“Anyway, thanks for listening to me on this glorious day. Up yours, ScoMo.”

Premier Palaszczuk then apologised to the Free French Quarter of Betoota, a semi-autonomous zone within the state of Queensland, for refusing to let a shipment of crawfish through the border at Tibooburra.

In a statement, written in Betootanese Creole, the Queensland Government expressed their “embarrassment” and “sadness” in the decision.

“Sou non Gouvenman an Queensland, nou ta renmen eskize ak pataje kondoleyans nou an konsenan melanje a abalon moute. Desizyon nou sete senpleman asire ou ke kominote ou la te an sekirite nan tous sa a pitye. Yon fwa anko, nou lapenn.”

More to come.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here