ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Pangolin’s Wrath has returned to Melbourne yet again and once again, it’s because of the New South Wales Government.

Health authorities are now scrambling to see if they can blame the spread of the somewhat dangerous pathogen on the poor blokes just doing their job.

However, NSW Health has admitted that mistakes could’ve been made and if they were, it was not their fault.

“We are currently investigating whether we can assign blame for this latest fuck up on someone besides a public servant,” said Brad ‘The Breakfast Sausage In A Suit’ Hazzard.

“If we can, then that will absolve anyone in my department of any guilt. If it turns out we can’t blame anybody else but NSW Health for this disaster, then I will tell a bunch of directors and secretaries in my office resign. Then I will find them jobs in the private sector. I can do this because nobody can stop me.”

The removalists at the centre of this latest Victorian outbreak probably did nothing wrong and only caught the Hubei Spicy Lung because of criminal negligence on behalf of state and federal governments, says Victorian Premier Dan Andrews who spoke to the media this morning in Melbourne.

“About a week ago, some removalists came to Melbourne from Sydney and it turns out they had the Sydney Sneeze,” he said.

“They worked for Ruby Princess Removals, which is ironic. If this super spicy lung kicks off in Melbourne, I don’t know about you but I’m going to freak the fuck out. All those MCC suckholes on the south side will probably blow up at me again,”

“But we got through it last time and we’ll get through it again. I have no doubt you’ll all be sharing cigarettes in Northcote by spring time. I might even join you for a Tasmanian whiskey and a Peter Stuyvestant.”

The Victorian Government has told residents who even laid eyes on the Ruby Princess Removals truck to immediately go into isolation and get tested.

More to come.


Please enter your comment!
Please enter your name here