A local sales executive and current office foosball champion is convinced that his natural sales acumen and ability to write emails that are both friendly AND professional means he would absolutely crush it in any zombie apocalypse scenario, it is being reported.

Michael ‘Dragon’ Draginski, a 27 year old Sales Exec at a Betoota IT firm who several eyewitnesses claim picked his own nickname, is absolutely adamant that should society crumble tomorrow due to the release of a deadly plague which turns almost everyone on the planet into mindless zombies, he’d have the perfect skillset to survive and thrive in the new world that would emerge.

“I mean, if you really think about it, there is so much overlap between Zombie Apocalypses and Inside Sales”, said Mr. Draginski, when during an argument with another fat as hell coworker, Jack Peeler, who doesn’t believe asked a man who needs to have a latte every morning could possibly make it in a world where there are undead beasts trying to eat him.

“I mean, when I’m trying to sell our product, I often face a ton of resistance – people always start out adamant that they don’t need more anti-virus software. However, I almost always manage to wear them down long enough to change their minds”

“How different could it really be with a zombie? Like when a zombie talks about how it wants ‘brains’ all the time, does it really need brains? Or are ‘brains’ just what they think they need due to clever marketing by our competitors? I guarantee I can convince that zombie that brains are not the solution it needs right now, and it should instead look into getting some of our anti-virus software”

Mr. Draginksi claims that the unique insight into human interaction he gains from his role, on a daily basis, is the perfect foundation for learning how to deal with the living dead.

“In many ways, zombies and office workers are really similar. I mean, one are soulless husks of human beings with very little drive or motivation in life other than to slowly amble along in a stagnant and ultimately meaningless quest for some goal that won’t satisfy them anyway. And then zombies are like that as well”

Mr. Draginski is hoping he can use his natural people skills to really help him connect with and understand the zombies, and to hopefully get what he wants out of them.

“Ultimately, it’s all about building relationships, which I am really really good at. Once the zombies know how fun and cool I am, while also being a complete pro, they’ll almost definitely not want to eat me. And if any one of them is having an IT-related issues, well, that’s a two-for-one”


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