ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The incumbent Premier of Victoria has blamed the lack of local government leadership in Melbourne for some recent developments surrounding the installation of powerful snowmaking guns in the city’s central business district.

Premier Daniel Andrews admitted to our reporter that he didn’t know who made the decision to put snowmaking guns up and down the footpaths of the free-tram zone but he was ‘sure as shit’ going to find out.

“This is not a good idea,” he said.

“Just when you thought things couldn’t get any worse in Melbourne’s local government, it gets worse. My team will be investigating this and do everything in our power to make sure it doesn’t go ahead.”

However, The Advocate can reveal the decision to put these snowmaking devices in the heart of Australia’s second most European city (behind Bernie) was made by a consortium of CBD business owners hellbent on stealing the crown from the Tasmanian fishing village.

An owner-operator of a 24HR book and bicycle shop on Lonsdale Street spoke to our reporter about the plans via wireless telephone this morning.

“We [local business owners] all got together one night over a 4am pizza and Malbec and lamented the fact that it doesn’t snow in Melbourne,”

“A collective sigh echoed from the corner of that small bar, pangs of our time in Neukölln hung in the air for all to see. So we came up with a plan. We rubbed our ironic tattoos together all night until they blistered trying to come up with something avante gard [sic],”

“So we went on Alibaba and bought some snowmaking machines. I had to pretty much ride my tandem bike solo, which is pretty much the hardest thing I’ve ever had to do, like ever, like all the way to South Yarra to beg my parents to loan me the money. It didn’t go well but we raised the money by busking down at Fed Square with my sister’s bassoon and my friend Dave’s windchimes.”

The Advocate contacted the Mayor of Melbourne’s office for comment but the hold music was Dave Hughes doing bits about kids shitting on the rug so we hung up.

More to come.


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