ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

When Betoota Grove man Alistair Sands finds a new hobby, he says, he commits one-hundred percent.

Last year when this terrible curse upon the planet reached our cosmopolitan desert republic, every man under 30 suddenly developed a golf hobby. Clashes with the old golfing guard of the few and far between, though. Only a few times, they boiled over into violence.

Sands recalls those crazy times.

“We were waiting for the green to clear down at the Lake Betoota Links, the ninth hole, I think. Anyway, my mate, Richard said, ‘Fuck it!’ and let a 3 wood rip but he flushed it. He hit this booming high cut that would’ve been a great shot if it didn’t hit some old guy square between the shoulder blades. Anyway, some words were exchanged and we thought it was over. To preface this, my mate Richard is hilarious but he’s a grade-A fuckwit. I love him but he’s a menace,”

“Then, back at the 19th hole after we were all done, we see the old guy come over to us and we started laughing at him limping. Then all of a sudden, he pulls this pistol or revolver out of his waistband, I don’t know, and he puts five shots into Richard then walks up to him real close and put another through his head then he just went back to his table of mates, who were all crying at this point, and he just finished his beer while he waited for the police to come and get him,”

“Anyway, I haven’t really been able to play golf since. So I thought I’d get into something new this summer, like smoking meats. I got the entry-level one just to start. At this point, things are going well. I did a brisket over the weekend and it was OK. Sometimes, I get a whiff of the fire starters and it reminds me of the rusty stench of sulfur and blood that hung in the air of the golf club that sticky afternoon in February. It takes me right back there, it does,”

“Things are good now.”

More to come.


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