ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A pair of grey-haired sharks from Betoota Grove, one of our town’s leafiest and most exclusive enclaves, waited until a weekend auction was dying down to enter the bidding race and ultimately blowing everyone else out of the water.

The modest but largely hideous blonde brick home had a reserve of $340 000 and that was just a little bit under what Nate and Gloon Bawns, both 29, had in their budget.

Unfortunately, they say, the empty-nesters who outbid them had a much larger one.

“We thought we had it,” said Nate.

“The auctioneer had it down to his second call before that fucking old cunt put his hand up and nodded. I thought, fuck you Jack and I chased him up over our budget but the bloke’s wife just laughed at us,”

“It ended up going for $425 000. Mate, I was seeing red. It’s happened like four times now. Every weekend, some grey-haired boomer cunt comes in and crushes my family’s dreams. Honestly mate, if I was going this myself, I would’ve snapped,”

“Last time it happened, I thought about digging up the poly pipe buried under my parent’s back lawn. Getting the L1A1 out and giving it a real comprehensive service. Grease it up and make sure it’s ready to go. Filing down two mags of 7.62s and taping them end to end and having the thing down the side of my leg for the next auction so if I got boomered again, I could just pull the SLR out of my tracksuit pants and just put 40 in the grey-haired bastards that outbid me – then sit in the gutter and wait for the cops,”

“But luckily, I’d never do that now I have a family. But tell you what, with all this news media surrounding real estate now, desperate people to desperate things. Whipping people up into a frenzy over a few bricks. Wild. These fucking journalists are trying to pit us against the boomers when it should be us against the rich. I have it in me to shoot a rich man.”

The Advocate forwarded Mr Bawns’ details onto local police, who say this isn’t the first time they’ve heard this and it certainly won’t be the last.

“Our records show his father declared that L1A1 during a gun amnesty in 1998,” said a police spokesperson.

“He’s just trying to impress you.”

More to come.


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