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An older man who lives out on the east coast in some sort of settlement beside the sea has woken this morning and told The Advocate that he thinks he might have the Pangolin’s Revenge silently sleeping within him.

It’s either that, Douglas Toomey says, or it might be the fact he didn’t really have a good sleep and he’s uncaffinated and a bit sad on top of everything else.

“I haven’t really been anywhere,” he told this masthead via telephone.

“I’ve only just woken up. I feel like shit. Mind you, I’m 52 so I feel like shit every morning. I burned my pizza last night in the oven, I finished a bottle of $6 shiraz that tasted like bushfires. I should probably try to get up,”

“But I can’t help but think I’ve been kissed by the spiteful Pangolin. For so long, the pangolin was used and abused by humanity. It’s the most trafficked animal in the world. This whole disaster is its revenge. This is the Pangolin’s Wrath,”

“Christ rising, imagine if I actually had it? How inconvenient. But there’s no way I have it, there hasn’t been a case in my postcode for ages. Maybe I should just stay in bed until I feel better. But I need to piss. I can feel it, like a swollen grapefruit under my waistband. Back when I was a bachelor living in Yeronga, I had a hole in my floor beside the bed that I put a funnel in. I could just roll over and wee. It was glorious.”

More to come.


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