ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The people who live in the country’s largest open-air sewer will be given some freedoms, according to government insiders, from the end of this month as Sydney grapples with a whole world of shit.

From the 31st of this month from hell, people in Sydney will be allowed to go to the casino for the purposes of losing money and be able to attend auctions to buy real estate.

A caveat on the auction restriction is that the property must sell for $750 000 or more above the reserve price or whatever the real estate agent thought was the true value – whichever is higher.

Sydneysiders who attempted to leave the casino, the insider says, while they’re up against the house will be issued with a Personal Infringement Notice for being in violation of a Public Health Order.

When asked for comment by The Advocate, a spokesperson from the Office of the New South Welsh Premier said that all businesses, including casinos, are hurting at this time.

“We cannot confirm at this time that those two easings of restrictions will come to fruition. It’s a day by day task, this virus,”

“But the Government has already spent five billion dollars on this lockdown and guess what, we’re out of money. In hindsight, spending seven billion on a light rail nobody wanted or uses, was a bad idea. Also knocking down a stadium because it was hard to take a piss and get a beer at. There’s a whole range of things the Premier would change about the past but fuck, what’s she supposed to do now? Use a time machine?”

“But anyway, well be able to give updates in the coming days.”

The Advocate reached out to prominent Sydney real estate firm, Prolapsed Anus & Son, for their reaction to the proposed changes.

One of the firm’s partners, Giles Rimfissure, said he was excited to get back in the saddle.

“For some reason, the prices just keep going up around here,” he said.

“At my last auction, I lay down in the gutter beforehand and got six tradies from a nearby work site to come over a piss all over me. Head to toe. I was soaked. None of them had had a drink of water all morning. Their urine was that cloudy, day after Melbourne Cup brown that would ordinarily require a full flush of the toilet. Shit I stank,”

“Anyway, I did the auction while I was soaked in body processed Dare Iced Coffee and Rockstar Energy Drink and I still sold the fucking thing for nearly a million over reserve. Fuck you. I’m the fucking king of this town.”

More to come.


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