ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Just hours after telling The Advocate yesterday that he harboured the irrational fear of the Special Air Service stealing his new prosthetic leg to drink beer out of, Bert Newton’s biggest fear came true overnight as rogue members of the nation’s peak fighting unit stole his new prosthetic leg to drink beer out of.

“I knew I wasn’t going crazy,” the television icon told this masthead via telephone this afternoon.

“It was leaning against my bedside table when I went to sleep and in the morning, it was gone.”

Mr Newton says the missing leg taken some time during the night, which is coincidently when the Special Air Service into their own.

“They move under the cover of darkness, the SAS,” he said.

“When I was sleeping, they must’ve snuck in and taken it,”

“This was the one thing I didn’t want to happen and it happened. I can’t believe it. Those bastards. I want my leg back.”

Our reporter phoned Swanbourne Barracks this afternoon to speak with the Regiment’s Special Operations Command (SOCOMD) liaison officer, who promptly told our reporter that the illegal seizure of Mr Newton’s new prosthetic leg by the Regiment is now under an internal investigation.

“We can confirm that shortly before dawn this morning, members of the Special Air Service Regiment entered Mr Newton’s hospital room and took his prosthetic leg for the purposes if consuming brewed alcohol from,” said the liaison officer who refused to identify themselves.

“How this has happened is now under investigation and the result of said investigation will be classified,”

“The Regiment does not know where the leg is currently but Mr Newton can rest assured the leg will be returned in the not-too-distant future.”

More to come.


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