LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
An act of bedding betrayal has taken place in Betoota today as hungover resident Jamie Parkes (34) awoke to find their usually comfy bed had become as cruel and unfamiliar as a rock in the outback.
Like a lot of millennials, Parkes made a large investment into a queen-sized mattress as it is clear they will likely never spend the money on a home and because a sponsored Buzzfeed article once said expensive mattresses make you fuck better.
As if under the impression they are still in their twenties, Parkes spent last night absolutely going to town on some goon and juice, unaware of the backstabbing that was soon to come.
Waking up this morning, Parkes was treated to the sensation of gaining consciousness on an unsealed road as their famously soft and inviting bed had intentionally turned hard and jagged as if to punish them for overindulging.
“Why my friend?” Parkes asked their mattress in a dry and remorseful croak.
“This morning of all mornings…”
“Now I know why people dump these things out on the street all the time.”
The relationship between Parkes and mattress reached new levels of toxicity as Parkes’ fried brain realised it was time for a wee but hardly had the energy to leave the brick-like bed that seemed to promise zero chance of sleeping this bad boy off.
