CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
Australia’s second-largest city has begun a second lockdown in response to a spike in new community-transmitted coronavirus infections.
Melbourne’s five million residents are now unable to leave home for six weeks, except for essential reasons, which does not include socialising on the fucking tan.
Borders between Victoria and New South Wales are now heavily guarded, as the city comes to terms with the fact that overkill might have been the right way to go about this thing back in March.
While the cult of Daniel Andrews looks for ways to blame other state Premiers and the Murdoch media rags that downplayed the virus early on, the right-wing are have opted for their usual scapegoat.
With the virus now taking hold in several public housing blocks across Melbourne’s inner-north, the conservative conspiracy theory is now allege that June’s Black Lives Matters protests were the index cluster that has since spread into the migrant households of Vicroria’s Soviet-like houso towers.
However, this isn’t good enough for Herald Sun columnist Andrew Bolt, who will not rest until he has found a way to blame it directly on the African gangs that come up every state election.
For the last 24 hours, Andrew Bolt has held off on the urge to bury a bottle of Penfold’s grange and discreetly scroll through 4Chan, opting to instead focus on the task at hand.
That is, directly linking Melbourne’s second lock down to those Sudanese teenagers who he has worked day and night to ostracise and isolate ever since he saw one of those uppity Sub-Saharans playing Victorian football on the television at the Australia Club.
“Think Andrew, think!” he mutters to himself, while moving ideas across his interactive opinion-generating interface that Rupert bought him after they successfully orchestrated Cardinal Pell’s release from prison.
“Africans. Africans”
“Teenagers”
“Crime”
He continues brainstorming.
“Community transmission”
“Community”
“Community. Teenagers. Support networks”
“Sport. Empowerment. Education”
“Basketball”
He’s got it.
“How after-school ‘basketball’ programs for African teenagers are spreading crime and public-housing-aided COVID-19 cases throughout Melbourne, and why our tolerant suburbs are an easy target for their in-cohesive ideals”
“That’s it”
He picks up the phone and calls his editor.
“I’m gonna need a double page spread and a stock photo of unruly blacks!” he shouts down the line.
“Wait till the Quiet Australians get hold of this one!”
At time of press, Bolt was pouring himself a big glass of Bin 95 and watching replays of Matt Mitcham’s gold medal performance from the 10m platform at the 2008 Beijing Olympics.
