ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The job market for urban professionals isn’t showing any signs of improvement, which has forced one of the nation’s most affable Poms to head back to their native land.

Former Prime Minister Tony Abbott, who was born in London many moons ago, is headed back to England this week to take up a new position within the British Government.

The lauded volunteer firefighter will head the new UK-Australia Trade Commission, which will work to foster a prosperous trade relationship between our two nations.

Even though England has fuck all to offer anyone, let alone Australia, Tony told this masthead this morning that he’s looking forward to the challenge.

“Now that I’m not in politics anymore, I can tell you that I don’t like or read The Betoota Advocate. It’s juvenile and works as a proxy of the Labor Party. Much the same as the Liberal Party works for News Limited. But anyway,” he said.

“Like many other English people in Australia, I have been forced to head home to get on a government-backed wage subsidy. I was born in England and at this stage, it looks like I’ll be living in London for the time being,”

“England has a lot of things to offer Australia – besides the occasional political interference. England has nice produce and stuff. There’s lots of banks here but that’s all about to change. Us Poms have more than just massive gums and small teeth. More than small feet. Have you ever seen a size 7 RM Williams boot? They’re made for English people. Watch this space, you fuckwits.”

The Advocate reached out to the Federal Government for comment but have yet to receive a reply.

More to come.


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