FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact
Multi-Level Marketing businesses, also known as Pyramid Schemes and Steaming Piles of Shit, are exploding in popularity as disappointed and confused Qanon members search for meaning and direction in a post-Trump world.
“We’re turning disenfranchisement into franchisement, hun!” gushed Khrys Allon, a Third-Tier Double Diamond Platinum Plus representative for L’excluséve, a business that sells leggings infused with essential oils designed to flush out toxins.
“Qanon members are used to waiting for gratification at a future date that keeps getting rescheduled so they are ideal candidates for a business model that promises vast fortunes are imminent at an undetermined date”.
New recruit Steve Brash, a Qanonspiracy-theorist turned First Tier Double Diamond Platinum Plus Consultant, is optimistic about his impending wealth, which could suddenly occur at any moment.
“I’m so glad I’ve moved on from that stupid Soros 5G Pizzagate shit. Now I’m trying to reconnect with all my high school friends to say ‘hey, it’s me again, sorry for going a bit crazy back there but I can make it up to you with a special buy-one-get-one-free offer on the new bergamot flavoured leggings with a fun frangipani print!’.”
“My mum bought a pair, and she said she might know someone else who might be interested; two sales in my first week! At this rate I’ll cover my $600 buy-in by November!”
At this point the interview was concluded when Brash was slapped by our reporter with a pair of bergamot flavoured leggings with a fun frangipani print.