ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The Prime Minister has gifted the nation’s unemployed an extra $50 a fortnight in his latest effort to distract voters from the rancid, malignant work environment his government has fostered in Parliament House.

The JobSeeker rate will increase from $40 a day to a generous $43.60 a day from March – something Scott Morrison says should help Australia’s laziest people get back on their feet.

“March will mark a year since thousands upon thousands of Australians found themselves out of work,” he explained in Canberra this morning.

“And since then, we’ve all faced significant challenges. Do you remember when I hugged that crying old man during the bushfires? That was pretty good. Is that what we’re talking about? Oh, yeah. No, we have crunched the numbers and we have found increasing the JobSeeker will only cost the government as much as a research study into the Murray-Darling water basin,”

“But now is the time for those lazy Australians who are still on the sit-down money to get up and earn their keep. Time to have a go. Unless you’re disabled, then perhaps you could just do something with a computer or something? I’m not asking you to stand up. Anyway, this increase should end this discussion and we as a nation can move onto more exciting things like the upcoming NRL season that starts in, uh, April and the vaccine rollout. How good.”

The Prime PraiseSeeker then told journalists he would not be answering any more questions regarding the dole and the serial rape allegations plaguing his government.

“Nice questions only,” he said.

“Are there any blokes here to ask me some footy questions? Where’s that Malcolm Knox? Webster? Are you here? Please tell me Danny Weilder is here, he’s a legend. No? Ok. Thank you.”

More to come.


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