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Wallaby great David Campese has been told sorry by the NSW Rugby Board this morning because while he’s perfectly qualified to coach the floundering Waratahs after Rob Penney’s sacking, he’s got as much chance of being coach as a Pacific Islander does.

Which means he has fuck all chance, according to Campese himself.

“I feel like a farmer who has three sons,” said Campo to our reporter this morning via telephone.

“Three sons who want to be actors or dancers or something to that effect. I have such a wealth of knowledge of the game but nobody to impart it upon. Sure, I could go over to South Africa again. Fly first class to old London town and teach a keen-eyed Pom to create his own gaps and run lines nobody else can see. Shit, I could even go to Christchurch. I haven’t bought a beer on the South Island since 1984,”

“But when Penney got binned, I thought it might be another chance for me to give back to the game that gave me so much. But they said no. Not even for next season. Just a flat no.”

The Advocate reached out to the grey-haired, sirloin-chewing driftwood that sits atop NSW Rugby for comment but have yet to receive a reply.

However, one board member agreed to speak to The Advocate under the promise of anonymity.

They explained that David has it all wrong.

“It’s not that Campo doesn’t have any chance of being the next Waratah coach,” they said.

“It’s just that he has very little chance. We are looking to make more diverse choices when it comes to coaching and executive appointments. This means we’ll probably try to fix our immense and profound cultural problems here at the Waratahs by parachuting in another Kiwi then unceremoniously executing him after he fails to win a game – after we greenlit the export of his best cattle to Japan,”

“We need to emulate the rugby club culture they have in New Zealand and as far as we’re concerned, the best way to do that is to simply put a Kiwi in has head coach. A dozen or so board meetings later, a few hundred kay in directors fees and the problem’s solved.”

More to come.


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