ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A French Quarter bottleshop attendant has spent this week selling Emu Export, a delicious beer from our nation’s one-party west, to customers eager to try something different.

“It’s a new craft beer from Perth,” he said.

“Yeah, it tastes like a Little Creatures. That shit that comes in those pint stubbies? Have you had that stuff before? Yeah, well, it kind of tastes like that but the after taste is like a salty, burnt toast Vegemite type flavour.”

The attendant explained to our reporters that a lot of people around town have baulked at the price, while others have seen the price and concluded that it must be because the makers of Emu Export only use the finest local ingredients from the Swan Basin plus the cost of transporting it up and over South Australia to Betoota.

“We make sure none of our beer goes through South Australia. It’s a fucked place,” explained the attendant.

“From Port Lincoln to Snowtown, it’s fucking grim as hell and having all that heavy shit in the air is bad for beer. Have you ever had a West End Draught? It also leaves a burnt toast type after taste but instead of it being the beer, it’s your fucking brain bleeding and you having a stroke because of how shit that beer is,”

“It’s not just my opinion, it’s science.”

One local BMW driver who decided to take the plunge on the Emu Export cans was Danny Van Botha, a semi-retired mining consultant who lives on the Lake Betoota Golf Course.

When asked if he thought he was getting what he paid for, Danny nodded enthusiastically.

“I’m from Perth,” he said in a thick Durban drawl.

“And I haven’t been able to find these in any bottle shop outside of WA. I don’t care how much they cost, I’m just sick of drinking this midstrength shit up here in Queensland. I’d honestly drive my car into a powerpole than drink even a complimentary Iron Jack. Honest to God, Betsy, I’m just so over this piss,”

“So yeah, my child, I filled my Beemer up with these Bush Chooks because Christ knows when Mark McMaowan will shut the bloody border again.”

More to come.


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