Goulburn Supermax Prison Expanded To Encompass Entire Town

Built in 1884 and situated three kilometres from town, Goulburn Correctional Centre has been a mainstay of the small city for well over 100 years.

In 2001 the Supermax was built, marking it as the highest security prison in Australia.

Notable prisoners include the 2005 Terrorist plot conspirators, Malcom “The Fugitive” Nadan and Ivan “The Backpacker Murderer” Milat.

Coincidently, Goulburn is well known throughout Australia to be a city that incubates and harbours vagrants, rapists and murderers outside of the prison walls as well.

The town’s reputation as a hub for degenerates has resulted in the well-known expression from nearby towns: “The worst criminals in Goulburn aren’t prisoners”

The construction of the Hume Highway led to a much need bypass of the town, which in turn resulted in a decrease in tourists for non-prisoner residents to assault – both physically and sexual – and to steal from.

A lack of outside visitors in recent years has seen the townspeople turn on each other in what has been described by one former resident as “a first-world war zone.”

In light of the fact that the majority of Goulburn residents habitually break the law, there are now plans by local and state government to expand the supermax prison to surround the entire town and it’s criminal residents who are not currently incarcerated.

The plan was initially criticised as nothing more than as a cost-cutting measure, but both local government and police have hailed the idea as a bypass for the inundated judicial system, by assuming everyone in the small city has partaken in at least one major crime.

Our journalists were able to talk to prisoners inside the Supermax facility, with one ‘lifer’ seen begging the guards to put him in solitary confinement – so that he wasn’t exposed to the newly incarcerated Goulburn locals.

“Mate we had a system in here… A hierarchy. Those animals from the town don’t give a rats arse about anything – they’ll cut you open and sleep like a baby,”

Despite the obvious strain on the town’s tourism, some local businesses have jumped at the idea. One prominent restaurant has been seen offering discounted meals for residents that have served over ten years.

A local bar has jumped onboard too, naming a triple shot rum “Milat” because “people wake up not knowing where the hell they are and feeling like they are in trouble”.

One local summed it up perfectly “No one fucking comes here anyway. The only folk that do are obligated family members. The only change to the place is they’ll have to report to screws when they come in.”

The news of imprisoning the entire town of Goulburn coincides with news that experienced gaol security guards are being employed from other gaols to train the local police academy in gaol security.

A long standing saying in the small city outpost is that “People that grow up here either become prisoners, cops or screws”

Both the Prime and Minister and New South Wales Premier have praised the council for their exciting and innovative ideas, with Malcolm Turnbull stating that “If this means less Todd Carneys walking the streets – then they have an absolute go-ahead from me.”

Mike Baird has said that imprisoning the entire town has made life a lot easier for residents of the affluent Southern Highlands, who were previously quite nervous about the possibility of having their local council amalgamated with Goulburn’s.

“I got a phone call from Barry last night. He said it was a real relief to hear that Goulburn was going to be fenced off. Believe me, we made a few lock-out jokes [laughter]”

“But yeah, there’s gotta be a bit of coin in prisons, particularly big ones. The ice plague has already ruined that town… fence ’em in I say.”

Goulburn Police have declared that the town will provide a boom gate for any travellers who need to use the Goulburn McDonald’s toilets, but has told them to be cautious and to move quickly.