ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Millionaire corporate welfare recipient Gerry Harvey awoke this morning scared and confused, as he always does, at the news that Australians no longer think he’s a good bloke.

To calm him down, the Harvey Norman board decided to simply place Gerry into a pleasant virtual reality where people hold him in the same esteem as his close personal friend John Singleton, who still maintains a positive public image.

“Gerry is much calmer now,” said a board member.

“The simulation he’s in right now is one where people wave at him in the street and compliment him constantly on owning such fast racehorses and being the figurehead of a franchise that championed good, old-fashioned customer service in this country,”

“Because in this reality, the real world, in light of what Gerry’s been saying about keeping JobKeeper, people in this country just think he’s a thieving cunt,”

“It’s better for everyone this way.”

It’s understood by The Advocate that the order to put Gerry into a dream world came all the way from the top.

Each year, Harvey Norman spends millions and millions advertising in News Corp publications and websites and Gerry’s actions over the past few weeks as forced Rupert Murdoch to act.

A News Corp spokesman told our reporter on the record that they need to preserve the Harvey Norman advertising account for as long as possible and they can’t do that if Gerry is making a cunt of himself every time he opens his mouth.

“If we let him go, people will just end up boycotting Harvey Norman, like properly this time,” he said.

“If Gerry goes under, we’re in some serious doo-doo. His brain is already blowing more blue smoke than a 17-year-old chainsaw burning the richest mix possible. We need to milk him for all he’s worth.”

More to come.


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