After decades of dorky goths trying it on, a recent report by the UN Textiles arm in partnership with GQ Magazine has found that no one in the world looks as good as Denzel does in a trench coat.

After a career of playing high-powered and well-groomed protagonists in cold American cities, actor Denzel Washington has been identified as the only person, man or woman, to make wearing a trench coat look appropriate – and even fashionable.

Lead researcher, Professor Stefan Perry says that while the French guy that played the assassin in that movie with Natalia Portman looked half decent, there is a stark difference between costumes and everyday streetwear”

“Batman used to rock one” he said.

“But that was during the weird ‘rubber nipples’ phase. Superheroes and secret assassins don’t count

“Denzel actually makes the trench coat look good on a sociable, street-level”

However, in Betoota’s affluent Hills District, local Marilyn Manson enthusiast, Charlie Manlet (17) says this theory is complete bullshit – and states that skinny white kids can also look good in a trench coat.

“Denzel looks good but so I and the rest of my squad look sharp and dapper in trench coats”

Charlie’s dad has refused to comment but says he doesn’t blame Denzel for his son’s fashion sense.


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