New studies show that a perfect connection between the bare palms of two eager pub patrons is the most clear indicator that it’s been a while between drinks – and that this one might go all night.

This follows a recent report by the Association of Various Assortment Of Stage, Sound, Catering, Hospitality United Network Of Australia (AVASSCHUNA) has been released today as part of a new set of guidelines aimed at improving bar service across the country.

“It’s been right in front of us this whole time” said lead researcher Justin Singleton.

“That’s how we figure out which customers are going to be fun, and which are going to a pain in the arse”

“What we have found is if two mates are meet each other in a neutral part of a licensed venue, with one of the patrons already served and seated – the crispness of the clap in the handshake shared between them will best determine how rowdy they are going to be”

“If it’s a low thud, it means they are keen to get on the lash, but also frustrated and might fight later”

“If it’s a lightening strike of excited skin-on-skin energy – then you are dealing with a couple of staff favourites”

Other tips for pub patron profiling include whether or not old mate has gone to the bar before greeting his mate – and whether or not he has even acknowledged him with one of those “be over in a sec” style nod – the latter being a telltale sign of a real Friday arvo sting.

The regularity of how much these patrons need to piss is also a clear indicator of how much grog they will be putting away.


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