FRANKIE DeGROOT | Local News | Contact

Although the nationwide shortage of toilet paper is thankfully over, Melbourne residents are facing a new shortage of a common domestic item; aluminium foil. 

The kitchen staple is in high demand due to the sudden emergence of dozens of anti-lockdown protestors who are said to be fashioning the foil into hats and stockpiling it for future hat-related use; both for themselves and other people who spent their Science lessons eating Perkin’s Paste instead of paying attention.  

High Street Milliner Shirley Croquet-Chesterfield, 63, says headwear fashioned from foil this year will be an evolution of earlier designs with only minor detail changes as the market matures. 

“Designs of yesteryear were rather bulky and unwieldy, one might say” she explained.

“Whilst early conical shapes did offer greater protection from magical space rays, they were defined by a more functional aesthetic, you see. Now that we have no cases of brains being fried, as it were, it could be said that the design has been proven, so more thought is being given to the form of the hats themselves, with more stylish, rounded shapes to be seen, if you will. I think this season’s tinfoil hats will be organic and yet square, angular but rounded, and important, yet pointless, as it were.” 

Protestor Kyle Chagrin says he has 6 rolls of premium quality caterer’s foil stashed in his parent’s garden shed, ready to be deployed at a moment’s notice. 

“I got in there before the rush so I got the good stuff. Heavy duty, 0.024mm thick, 150m rolls, baby!” laughed Kyle, proudly holding up a picture of the foil stashed in what was a secret location until we accidentally published the previous paragraph.

“This year I’m going for a triple-wall design for maximum protection, and I’ve even added some decorations, like this “Do your own research!” sign just to make people think”.  

When asked whether he had considered that the whole COVID-19 thing could be a conspiracy cooked up by Big Foil to sell more product, Kyle looked confused for a second, before his head suddenly exploded. 


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