ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Opposition leader Anthony Albanese said he was left in a pickle this morning after a constituent in his inner-western Sydney electorate stopped him in the street to ask if he knew a bloke who could torch a clapped-out Holden Captiva.

Albo said the problem was that he did know somebody would would torch a piece of shit Holden for the right money.

“Look, I’m trying to rebrand myself as a Canberra lifer who’s done nothing but swing off the public boob my whole life,” he said.

“And this type of business isn’t helping that. So anyway, this bloke I kind of half know from around the traps stops me and Toto on our walk and he says his mate needs ten grand real quick because he did his arse at Wenty dogs the other day and the bloke wants his money so he need to torch his fucking car or get some fucken prick to do it but he doesn’t know anybody because he’s a fucken corporate Johnny now, he’s left the old life behind besides his fucken pen-chant [sic] for punting on the dishies,”

“So anyway, yeah, I do know someone. But fuck, I can’t be doing this shit any more. I told the guy yeah, I know a bloke, his name’s Theo and he drinks up at Royal Marrickville golfie and if he’s not sucking coins out of the pokie machines, he’s going through the ashtray looking for dumpers. He looks like a fucking loon but he can and will take a fucked Captiva down to the Royal National Park and fucking torch the cunt for $500. Mate, you’d even get him to do one for $350 in this climate,”

“But yeah, can’t be doing this shit any more. I’m the Opposition leader, I’m not just Bill Shorten’s bagman any more. I’m the fucken boss.”

More to come.


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