In grim news for those planning a backyard BBQ, the recent ice crisis that’s plagued Betoota for the past several months is expected to continue well into Summer, as locals continue to pledge allegiance to cold water therapy cults.

Unlike the methamphetamine crisis that is wreaking havoc across multiple Queensland townships, the Diamantina is believed to be in the midst of a different kind of ice related pandemic, one which sees most servos in town selling out of every bag of ice well before 7am.

The shortage comes as several cold water cults continue to takeover Betoota Beach every morning, and also seem to enjoy taking up just as much space on the social media feeds of local scrollers.

“We’ve all got a mate who’s fallen into it, it’s swept through our town faster than any pyramid scheme we’ve ever seen,” said social news analyst Kent Blarney.

“Even my Uncle Steve has been posting shots of him hibernating in a laundry bucket before sunrise, and he’s been a chain smoker all his life!”

In an attempt to understand why local fisherman have to drive to Quilpie to purchase a bag of ice, The Advocate spoke to Johannes Whimhoff, the group president of ‘The Warrior Within Project’, a new community group made up of Jo Rogan listeners and the type of blokes
that used to never shut up about their paleo diets.

“The Warrior Within is all about leaving our egos behind, disengaging from the noise of the modern world, and reconnecting with the natural rhythm of our bodies and the universe,” said Johannes, who live streamed his response back to The Advocate via an Instagram live
setup he filmed from an esky smack bang in the middle of Betoota Beach.

“You can come down tomorrow morning and join if your heart is open to it, all you need is an open spirit and six bags of Bells Pure ice from the servo.”


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