ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

A Lions fan in Melbourne has had his afternoon turned upside down for the second time after receiving a notification that there’s been some motion detected in his Ascot living room.

Thinking it must be one of his adult children coming over to use the pool or borrow the Jaguar, Ascot man Malcolm Howard unlocked his phone and was confronted by the sight of a burglar currently helping himself to the contents of his home.

Malcolm was watching the AFL Grand Final as a guest of The Advocate in the corporate box of this masthead’s parent company, 愚蠢的袋鼠 Pty Ltd.

“Good grief,” said Malcolm to our reporter.

“I’m being burgled!”

Malcolm told The Advocate that he’d nailed a large Brisbane Lion’s flag to his front verandah and failed to leave any lights on. He was not amused when The Advocate suggested he was essentially asking for it considering the crime wave currently sweeping Brisbane.

“Look!” Malcolm continued.

“He’s taking a piss on my Nick Scali! I’m calling the police!”

Malcolm called 000 and spoke to a Queensland operator, who told him to ring his local police station directly as she didn’t care. That only enraged Malcolm, who then had to suffer the indignity of a junior officer at Hendra Police Station laugh at him.

“What do you want me to do?” laughed the policeman.

“Go over there and shoot him? Just let him have your grog and PlayStation. You’re probably insured anyway, you tight arse.”

Malcolm then threw his phone from the corporate box down onto the playing surface.

More to come.


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