31 December, 2015. 11:34
ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
IT’S A LEADING cause of greenhouse emissions. Socialists moan about it all the time. Scientists have told us for years that it’s going to end up dooming the planet.
Methane occurs naturally in the environment but the overwhelming majority of it comes from deep in the bowels of livestock and people who tell other people to do their bit to help nature.
“When people pass wind, an area the size of a broadsheet is opened up in the ozone,” said Greens leader Richard Di Natale. “Next year, we’re sending out a memo to our members that they need to stop farting and listening to The Flaming Lips over a glass of chardonnay. We need to set the example.”
However, as most Australians know, some farts are simply unavoidable.
The Greens have a set of guidelines should this unimaginable scenario happen. Rather than let the fart disappear into the wind, they suggest finding a windless place – such as a car or quiet alcove, to fart into a paper bag, which can then be recycled.
“Only pass wind into a paper bag if you plan on recycling it,” said De Natale. “Brown paper takes over a week to break down. But just think how much damage you’ve done to the world already? A dozen beers a day, drizzled over turkey, ham and mince pies. You’d be able to fill up a wheat bag with fart.”
“My recycling bin is full of my farts.”
Telephone boxes used to be excellent places to fart but now that we live in the mobile telecommunications world, telephone boxes are disappearing at a very fast rate. Technology is a two-edged sword. The more we rely on mobile phones, the fewer (notice that I sad fewer, not ‘less’) the phone boxes. The expression, “Hanging about, like a phart in a phone box”, will soon have no meaning. Only those of us who remember phone boxes will know what it means.
That raises another question. Was it people pharting in phone boxes that drove Superman away? Or do you think that his absence has a direct link to the reduction in the number of proper phone boxes that caused his demise. We could really use him to help sort out a few of the world’s problems.
A far better idea than trying to hold a fart in is to let rip but store them, much like the proposals to store carbon dioxide underground. Yep, fart into a jar and store it in the fridge! They last longer that way. Here’s a tried and tested recipe for preserving farts in a jar:
1. Remove the lid of a glass jar and cup the jar over your arse.
2. Now let ‘er rip! Be careful, as sharts are just too much trouble to clean up.
2. Quickly secure the lid back onto the jar and place it in the fridge.
3. Let the evil brew cool down and marinate in the fridge for a few hours. Or days or weeks, hell, keep them in the fridge for years if you want! The longer you store them, the stinkier they get.
4. Then go ask your unsuspecting loved one or friend or work colleague to open the jar and smell the jar for “freshness”.
5. Upload the film you just recorded onto YouTube and share the laughs!
I am all a gassed!