ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
Political analysts are today being urged to reconsider the conventional metrics of Queensland voter behaviour, following the Liberal National Party’s historic state election win and the concurrent political extinction of Peter Dutton.
Experts say the message from the Sunshine State could not be clearer. Queenslanders vote for the bloke, or blokette, they’d rather take out on the boat for a half-day session off Bribie.
That logic explains the rise of David Crisafulli, who narrowly edged out Steven Miles not on policy, but because he would never dob you in for keeping a 12cm bream. He would also probably let you catch and kill a turtle.
“Steve’s a good bloke and a proud Queenslander,” said one voter outside a BCF in Cairns.
“But he’s the kind of bloke who makes you throw back an undersized flatty. Crisafulli would look you dead in the eye and say ‘fuck it, close enough’. He’d also probably laugh as he gaffed a bottlenose dolphin. Then he’d fillet it and take it home.”
The theory holds up across decades. In 2007, Queensland picked Kevin Rudd over John Howard because Kev would’ve known every illegal fishing spot the Chinese trawlers use off the coast of Bundaberg. He was good like that. They picked ScoMo over Bill Shorten because Bill is from Melbourne and would’ve carried on about the humidity and the power drinking. Also he would NOT think it’s funny to do a poo off the side of the boat.
They picked Tony Abbott over Kevin because you don’t want to fish with a bloke who carries on like that and ended up pandering to the Southern elites to hold on to power. They picked Howard over Beazley because Howard looked like he could sweet talk the Fisheries inspector out of giving you a fine. If he couldn’t he’d say the fish belonged to Kim.
They picked Bob Katter every time because when pushed, he’d probably have no qualms with shooting a Fisheries officer. He would do it and then sleep peacefully that night until the cops came to get him. Pauline gets a ride in the boat every time because she’d just chew the skipper’s ear off all day about how foreigner’s are stealing our fish.
More to come.
