“Winter Christmas Is Way Better” Says European Who Must Sunbake Next To The Bar Heater Between Boxing Day and NYE
MONTY BENFICA | Amusements | CONTACT
A European guy, Stefan Müller (26), who recently arrived in Australia on a working holiday visa, is boldly declaring that "winter Christmas is way better" despite having no firsthand experience with the joys of a summery festive season.
Stefan, hailing from a region where snow, hot dinners and coziness are all synonymous with Christmas, appears blissfully ignorant of the...
Poor Little Cherry Ripe Suffers Extreme Prejudice In Cadbury’s Stocking Stuffer
STACY OAKSHEAF | City News | CONTACT
In a startling revelation this festive season, the Cherry Ripe bar found itself once again forgotten admits the grand assembly of Cadbury Chocolate stocking stuffer treats.
Reports confirm the Cherry Ripe was relegated to the bottom of the stuffing hierarchy, with insiders citing its weird blend of dark chocolate and cherries as a 'divisive' flavour profile, where one...
As Supply Chain Pressures Ease, Supermarkets Raise Prices Again To Gouge Customers While They Still Can
RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact
Prices are down at supermarkets across the country, customers can confirm.
At least that would be true if ‘down’ meant ‘up’ which is the real direction prices actually continue to go.
Weirdly, today’s higher prices come despite recent data from the Global Supply Chain Pressure Index clearly showing that supply chain pressures have eased.
This gives our grocers...
Parents Want Best For Children, Apart From Footy Team Obviously
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
New parents Lauren and Toby are ready to give their little bundle of joy the best possible life they can, with exception to the footy team they will be forced to follow as dad can no longer suffer alone.
In his Betoota Heights home, Toby explained how he was able to get footy team rights for his baby...
Coburg Station Declared First Build To Actually Live Up To The Initial Artist’s Impression
RORY SALAZAR | Finance | Contact
They said it couldn’t be done.
They said a real world construction could never live up to the idealistic utopia of the initial artist’s impression.
But who are ‘they’ and what do ‘they’ really want?
It doesn’t matter because minds have been blown today as the architects who designed the new Coburg Station spent the morning showing our...
Big Unit Sprays Oil On Leather Couch Before Going Shirtless
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
In an ironic twist of events, aerosol products may just be the answer to one of climate change’s most grievous of afflictions.
At least that is the case for local big unit Murray Bishop (58) who finds himself stuck to his leather couch whenever he goes shirtless during the stinking summer heat.
“I’d be watching the cricket, go...
Delusional Froot Loops Still Running The Healthy Angle
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
In breakfast news, a local cereal is just as zany as their name implies.
Coming in at nearly 39% sugar, Froot Loops are continuing to advertise themself via the health route as if anyone has ever purchased them as a nutritious breakfast.
For years now, Froot Loops have advertised themselves as a good source of zinc, iron, and vitamin B...
Man Returning To Hometown Comforted By Safe Hands Of Coopers Green On Tap At The Local
WENDELL HUSSEY | Cadet | CONTACT
A born and raised Betoota Heights man has today let out a big sigh of relief after making a long awaited return to his hometown.
The wave of relief came after Luke McRae set foot in his family’s local, and learnt that everything was as it should be.
Spotting the safe hands of Coopers Green on tap and some of...
Dad Refusing To Attend Family Event With In-Laws Makes Good On Word And Drinks Paint
LOUIS BURKE | Culture | CONTACT
Earlier today in Betoota Heights, a local dad put his money, and harmful chemicals, where his mouth is.
Content with living full time as a stereotype, Betootan Dan Randal (49) is not a fan of his wife’s parents and takes any opportunity to mention it, appropriate or otherwise.
“Those two, I mean, it’s been 12 years but I...
Dentist Offers Kind Hug After Telling Bloke With No Health Insurance That All His Wisdoms Have Gotta Go
KEITH T. DENNETT | New South | CONTACT
Betoota bricklayer Jayden Burns (29) is the type of bloke that has never bothered with health insurance.
Despite recently racking up an unnecessary string of purchases with his Afterpay account and blowing a solid $50 most weekends on sporting pay-per-views, the father of none continues to palm off the concept of putting aside some money each...
