A recent report by the lads has found that one of the more blissfully ignorant blokes at the pub this arvo hasn’t read any news about this new virus thingy, so just fuck up about it.

Braden, a 32-year-old fumigator and father-of-three, doesn’t read much news because he reckons the news is for losers.

In fact, the closest thing to journalism that he ingests is the feral rugby league forums he follows online. So needless to say, he hasn’t come across any of the pandemic alarmism that everyone else has been reading.

It’s for this reason, that the boys have decided there is no need to pointlessly stress him out – given the fact that his kids aren’t in school yet, and he spends very little time around crowds, Braden is quite clearly the least likely friend to be exposed to this mutated superbug. He also wears a mask all day for work.

But still, of the five blokes at the pub this arvo, at least a couple are still unsure whether he is taking the piss when he says he hasn’t heard about this global emergency until a couple minutes ago.

While the rest of the boys look on in awe at the low-information voter that they call a friend, Braden is starting to get suss.

“Are you fuckheads right?” he asks

“Nah. All good” says his right-hand-mate, Dimitri, who is pretty simple but not simple enough to have missed the last two months of breaking news.

“Just thought you might’ve, I dunno, seen it on the news”

Braden is at the end of his tether with this bullshit.

“Mate this is just like the time you tried to tell me that Scott Morrison had been a politician since 2007. You cunts are so full of shit”

“Coronavirus? You gotta do better than that. Haha watch out for that Mexican beer!”

“What’s next the fucken VBvirus?”

“Fuck up about it”


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