ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

The people of the nation’s inverted portaloo are waking up this morning to their first day in lockdown after seven weeks of practicing.

The rogue state’s defacto leader Gladys Berejiklian urged the people of Sydney to “keep the faith” because now they’re “playing for keeps” in their war against the curse set upon us by God for being cruel to pangolins.

“This lockdown was something that had to happen,” said Gladys.

Deputy Premier John Barilaro nodded pensively.

“Some would say that it was extremely cowardly of John and me to give regional NSW an hour and a half’s warning on Saturday before plunging them into lockdown. Yes, we didn’t even call a press conference. Yes, we let MPs break the news via their social media accounts. Yes, the ABC reported it before we announced it,”

“Can I just say, John and I were very tired on Saturday and because it was regional NSW, neither of us could actually give a fuck. Can I just say that until the people of regional NSW make their seat marginal with the Shooters, you will continue to be ignored and mistreated. So there’s that,”

“I just hope that the people of Sydney and the rest of NSW, I guess, have had enough practice for this lockdown. Seven weeks is what we modeled and I can only hope that modeling was correct,”

“Good luck.”

Deputy Premier John Barilaro stepped up to the podium to answer a question about primary producers.

“I have three head of chicken and two head of alpaca on a working farm near Canberra, I can field those questions,” he said.

The reporter asked his question but was almost immediately cut off.

“You see, that’s the problem with you light rail riding elites, you just don’t understand what life’s like in the bush,” chuckled John.

“Until you’ve had to hand feed your alpacas through the worst drought on record, you just won’t understand.”

More to come.


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