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The executive producer of the IMP-9 Imparja Betoota collapsed into the newsroom beanbag this morning defeated.

Stacey Macklin flipped through the local and metropolitan newspapers all morning.

Browsed reddit for an hour and even stopped by the popular hacking website, 4chan.


So she did what any self-respecting newsperson does and reports on the only thing you can when there’s nothing else to report on.

She invited our reporter into the television newsroom she commands to speak freely about her thoughts regarding the current news cycle.

“For the midday bulletin, we lead with the recent cold weather down there in the deep south,” she said.

“Those Victorians, Tasmanians and other assortments of rabble down there have been taken by surprise again by an antarctic blast. They do every year and you can crack jokes about that until the cows have their lambs,”

“But I digress. That’s not the problem. The problem is that there’s nothing beside abject tragedy and sport to report on at the moment. Nothing. We’re almost praying that juicy news like Peter Beattie getting caught with half a bag of hoota under a Southbank palm tree comes down the news wire. But until then, I guess we’re just going to have to report on how seasonably cold it is in fucking Melbourne.”

Macklin kicked her Ariat boots off, got up on the chief-of-staff’s desk and stretched one sock over the newsroom smoke alarm.

She threw her head back in the beanbag and lit a John Player Special.

“It is too much to ask?” she said.

More to come.



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