ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Our Olympic heroes are being asked by the Prime Minister today to perform one last noble gesture on behalf of the country.

Scott Morrison has all but instructed the returning hard-bodied youngsters to fill their luggage with Japanese Michelle Pfeiffers jabs, either from their hospitals or airport duty-free department.

“I just prefer the taste of the Japanese variety, there’s fewer chemicals,” said Mr Morrison.

“No, I’m not talking about cigarettes. I’ve never had one and I think anybody who smokes is an idiot. I’m talking about jabs. I have asked our Olympians to bring as many of the good ones home with them. You know, the one I had. The Michelle Pfeiffer. Mine was American-made, though,”

“Don’t get me wrong, I like them, too. But it’s the Japanese Michelle Pfeiffer that I want to try. Our spoilt Boomer cunts want that one and because they have me – or any other government by the balls – we need to give them what they want. It’s not like they’ve had a life where they’ve had to make sacrifices for other people. No, I’m not trying to stir them up. Although, I just know some obese, red-faced 60 year old economic handbrake on society will attempt to take what I say out of context,”

“How about we just give you the spicy cough and let the tough boomers survive? Do you want to try that? Yeah. That’s what a I thought,”

“Back to what I was saying, please for the love of Christ, bring some fucking Michelle Pfeiffers home with you.”

All of a sudden, a visibly lost Brad Hazzard appeared in the Parliamentary Courtyard.

“Have you seen Gladys? She told me to meet her at Parliament House.”

More to come.


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