ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact

Despite ruining his dinner last night, a very polite young man wasn’t able to leave a negative review out of fear it might cost the young backpacker who delivered the pizza his job.

Daniel Coleman told The Advocate today that he was very disappointed when he opened the pizza box last night to find most of it was attached to the lid.

“How fucking hard is it?” he asked our reporter.

“People talk about the gig economy and about how these delivery drivers don’t get fuck all, like less than minimum wage. Well, forgive me for sounding like my Liberal-voting father but if you can’t successfully deliver a pizza, you don’t deserve the minimum wage,”

“Actually. I’m sorry. That’s a bit much. They do deserve the minimum wage but you sure as shit don’t deserve much more. Anyway, the bloke who delivered the pizza was a backpacker so I doubt he really cares if his employer contributes to his super. But he would care about keeping his job, so I didn’t want to leave a bad review in case he lost his job. This is Australia; nobody should lose their job for doing it half-arsed.”

The Advocate reached out to the company Mr Coleman used and received a prompt but scripted response.

GluttonPoon, a subsidiary of StiffAorta Pty Ltd, released a statement this afternoon which absolved them of any wrongdoing whatsoever.

“We encourage users to rate their experience accordingly,” the statement read.

“So we can assure our shareholders that maximum returns are being met. Should a customer have a negative experience using GluttonPoon, we will find the delivery rider responsible and terminate their employment after a savage but necessary beating,”

“Our generous donations to both political major parties ensures that business will prosper into the future, for our shareholders.”

More to come.



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