ERROL PARKER | Editor-at-large | Contact
It’s been four weeks since the Commonwealth Games closing ceremony and the visas of eight Cameroonian athletes are due to expire at midnight tonight.
“Times up,” said Immigration minister, Peter Dutton.
He called a press conference today to address the issue, which he hosted out in the middle of Carrara Stadium around 5pm.
“In just over nine hours time, their visas will expire and they will become fugitives. My department has put a price on each of their heads and employed the greatest bounty hunter of all time to find them,”
“DOG!”
Just as Dutton finished saying that name, fireworks shot into the sky around the entrance tunnel out to the middle.
Kickstart My Heart by Mötley Crüe blasted through the PA system as smoke billowed out from atop the tunnel.
A loud revving of a Harley Davidson Fatboy echoed around the stadium and mixed dirtily with the heavy metal.
Dog The Bounty Hunter emerged on the motorbike, clutching a Smith & Wesson Model 27 in one hand and a bottle of Jim Beam in the other – many of the journalists were scared.
He raced up to the press conference at full throttle, cast the bourbon to hell along the way then shot an ABC journalist in the chest just because he fucking could.
High-fiving Dutton as he walked up to the mic in front of the camera, Dog cleared his throat and put the gurgling, writhing taxpayer-funded reporter out of his misery with a single shot to the back of the head.
“All right, motherfuckers!” shouted Dog.
Peter wooed confidently.
“I’m here to find those athletes and bring them to justice, dawgs. It’s just my job and I’ve got nothing against them. Fuck, I’ve got friends from Cameroon, dawg. They’re a beautiful people,”
“But yo, they’re breaking laws. I just want to let the Cameroonians know that I’ve been there before, dawg, and that they should go back to their families. They’re illegal aliens, dawg. I’ll bring them to justice,”
“Beware of the Dog! Aroooooooooooooooooooooooo!”
And with that, he threw Dutton the .44 magnum, who promptly wiped the prints off it with his polyester tie, then got back on his Harley and disappeared in a cloud of grey dust.
Peter left shortly after, while the remaining journalists that didn’t scatter from the gunfire raced back to perform CPR on the ABC reporter still lying motionless in the middle of the stadium.
More to come.
