CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
Federal Police can today reveal updates in their investigation into the Optus Cyberattack, with new information suggesting that the hacker had performed time travel before breaching the privacy of millions of Australians.
On Monday night, the seemingly amateur cyberattacker released a text file of 10,000 records of Optus customers, promising to leak 10,000 each day for the next four days unless Optus pays them $1m.
However with the AFP, an institution mostly specialising in phone tapping bogan white supremacists and teenage Islamic extremists, on their case – the hacker will not get far!!!
Optus boss, Kelly Bayer Rosmarin, says federal police are “all over” the hacker, while also insisting that this attack was VERY sophisticated – and that the AFP say he may have time travelled before launching the attack on Australia’s limping tin-can telco.
The Minister For Home Affairs has since accused the company of leaving the “window open” for the data to be stolen, and says the most concerning aspect of the new time travel theory is the fact that the hacker had travelled from the PAST, not the future.
After realising that they cannot shoot their government-issued glocks into a computer screen to foil these kinds of attacks, the Federal police have today had to try a very different approach to solving this unconventional online crime – and forced all of their staff to watch heaps of movies about this kind of thing.
After an entire day of tireless research, the AFP have released a statement.
“We think this bloke time travelled here from the Swingin’ Sixties. 1967 to be exact. We also think he might be London based”
“That’s the only thing that explains him asking for 1 million dollars. We have been pissing ourselves ever since he announced that”
“We called Albo and even he pissed himself. It’s so funny. He’s either a kid or from 1967”
When asked how they planned to fix this, The AFP said “we dunno”
It is believed that Optus have since employed the services of an extremely horny beatnik pommy spy, who is also from 1967.
