EFFIE BATEMAN | Lifestyle| CONTACT
Though the government’s plan to allow people to withdraw super to buy a home has reminded many young people just how dire their future is, some opportunists have welcomed the Prime Minister’s way of thinking and even encouraged him to take it a step further.
Opening up a pandora’s box to a world of opportunity, those looking to further divide society into the have and have nots have suggested that ruining the next generation’s future isn’t enough – we need to think bigger.
As the past few years alone have shown that reproductive rights, housing, and now even fucking retirement are in the firing line, why on earth should millennials be able to escape exploitation with the sweet release of death?
Unfortunately in some alarming news, The Advocate has secured a secret recording of last week’s minute meetings, which feature an excited Prime Minister Scott Morrison pacing the cabinet room and delivering a (e)rousing speech to a babble of balding heads.
*Video transcript below:
“It’s not enough that we’ve fucked the environment and refuse to take any measures to save it.”
“But we’re also going to keep pushing for people to procreate, and offer them cheaper access to IVF.”
He stops to smirk as the room all laugh and make crude gestures with their fingers (👉👌)
“We’ve set it all perfectly for the next generation of rich cunts. Not only will everyone be struggling to make rent or pay for childcare but we’re also encouraging people to take a huge chunk off their retirement savings so they’ll be forced to work longer HAHA.”
“And what happens if there’s suddenly a huge influx in people being able to afford a $50k mortgage deposit, you ask?”
“What Scotty?” Laughs the chamber in unison.
“House prices get even more inflated HAHAHAHA!”
“HAHAHAHHAHAHAHHAA.”
“Which is fucking excellent for people who have a couple of empty investment properties just sitting around.”
Taking a moment to generate a dramatic pause and to also rearrange the half chub he developed, Morrison is seen practically bursting with pride.
“I just thought, ‘you know what, we need to think BIGGER!”
“How dare our little ants organise a way to protect themselves and secure a decent retirement? We need to squeeze every last drop from these cunts.”
“FUCKING ANTS! FUCKING ANTS!”
“And then it hit me.”
“All that leftover super can be used to purchase burial plots! Why should the government foot the bill for a corpse?”
“And then, in another fifty years, we can bulldoze all the cemeteries and build a fucking PARKING LOT!”
“HAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHA.”
More to come.
