CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
The Government has this week ordered an overhaul of tertiary education, in an effort to stop universities from pumping out open-minded thinkers who might take issue with
The cost of studying humanities at university is set to double, but “job-relevant” course fees will be slashed, in an effort to maintain a focus on the type of employment held by people more likely to vote for the current government.
This comes after months of our government subtly accusing China of creating the COVID-19 virus to damage the global economy, which has surprisingly resulted in Australian universities no longer being able to prop themselves up by selling degrees to the teenage sons and daughters of Beijing billionaires.
Inconveniently, at the same time as China deciding to no longer buy our beef, barley, iron ore or university degrees – the government has also been criticised for their alleged involvement in blatant electoral fraud.
In an effort to keep the Australian voter thinking that our current economic recession is the fault of China, and not the incompetency of our current leaders, the Prime Minister has today also insinuated that all government computers have been compromised by cyberattacks.
However, before the fourth estate could report further on this arguably made up claim, the government also announced plans to double the cost of Humanities Degrees – which include the likes of arts, communications, history and philisophy.
The same degrees that generate voters who question our government’s motives are now going to cost twice as much as they once did, while it will now be even cheaper to study how to blow up Indigenous artefacts in the search for that beautiful gotdam coal.
Universities say that while they appreciate the government offering them to fill the holes left by the foreign student cash cow, there is growing concern that this new restructure is just going to turn stoner artists into ice-addict FIFO miners who never get to see their kids and develop mental health problems while they spend 30% of their life underground making hundreds of thousands of dollars that they never get to spend on their loved ones.
However, the Prime Minister has said anyone who criticises the plans to double the cost of humanities degrees are just snowflakes who probably studied humanities degrees, and are a good example of why we should weed out humanities degrees.
“Back in my day, we used to study stuff that actually equipped you for the workfore, like my degree in political geography.”
“I’d have never been able to get a job as a marketing executive if I learnt how to think critically”
