FRANKIE DeGROOT | News | CONTACT
The UFO community is abuzz today after the Pentagon reluctantly revealed the unidentified flying objects seen in footage declassified and released late last month are actually UFOs.
The footage, shot by US Navy pilots in 2004 and 2015, shows small bright lights moving in an unconventional manner, to the surprise of the pilots. Although leaked and released to the public in 2017, the announcement is important as it represents the first time the Pentagon has acknowledged that the videos are legitimate and depict actual UFOs.
When asked by a lowly non-Betoota reporter during a press conference on Tuesday what the objects are, an unnamed official initially tried to deny the footage depicted UFOs.
“Look, we aren’t sure what these airborne items are; that is the issue we are dealing with at the moment. However, we can say they are flying as the footage clearly shows them to be moving through the air at an altitude as low as 40 feet,” said a pair of dark Ray-Bans, using an obsolete unit of measurement equivalent to 1.92 Budweiser bottles.
“The objects in the 2015 footage appear to be approximately 0.26 Ford F-150s in length by 2.1 apple pies wide, which is equivalent to a Medium-sized Taco Bell beverage. The speed of the object was approximately 2.5-3 FF/S (football fields per second). The footage from 2004 depicts a stationary object approximately 12.3 AR-15 assault rifles in length.”
When questioned by a reporter about why the Pentagon was continuing to deny the unidentified flying objects were UFOs, the spokesglasses appeared flustered. “These are not UFOs. Just because we can’t identify these flying objects, it does not automatically mean they are UFOs. They are obviously weather balloons. Hovering in one spot and then suddenly zipping off at high speed whilst executing sudden changes in direction is classic weather balloon behaviour. They are absolutely not UFOs. Jesus, I never expected this line of questioning.”
At this point another reporter suggested that since UFO was an acronym for unidentified flying object, and since the Pentagon admitted the items were in flight, had no idea what they were, and defined them as objects then they should simply admit the items were, in fact, UFOs.
“Fine, they are UFOs” snapped the sweating suit. “We have been in possession of various extra-terrestrial craft since 1947 and have been in direct communication with aliens for over 50 years. The craft are stored at Area 51, which is also home to our Alien Research Facility”.
At this point the official was peppered with further questions which he ignored whilst fiddling with a shiny silver cylinder which was 0.5 Pringles cans long but the same diameter as a Twizzler. The official only agreed to answer further questions in exchange for “two AAA batteries”.
