CLANCY OVERELL | Editor | CONTACT
The fresh fruit juice empire of Boost Juice has taken the extraordinary step of of installing sharps disposal bins next to their in-store blenders nationally, in response to the ongoing fruit tampering crisis.
More than 100 reports of tampered fruit are being investigated by police across the country, many of which are thought to be fake or copycat cases because the media is treating this whole thing like they are reporting on a school shooting.
Agriculture Minister David Littleproud says the “parasites” responsible for spiking strawberries should do hard time in jail, and requested for them to please stop being fucking idiots.
The government is rushing legislation through parliament to ratchet up the maximum penalties for so-called “food terrorists” from 10 to 15 years behind bars.
Prime Minister Scott Morrison wants the tough sanctions approved before federal politicians depart Canberra on Thursday.
However, it appears that retailers are taking matters into their own hands, with supermarkets across the country last night announced a nationwide roll-out of blue lights for all grocery aisles, so to confused offenders looking for somewhere to put a sewing needle.
Shortly after, Boost Juice and their rip-off airport equivalents have also declared plans to temporarily equip staff with sharps disposal bins.
“It’s not like we are dealing with intravenous needles, but still, if you are cutting up a few strawberries to throw in an All Berry Bang smoothie, you need somewhere to throw the sewing kit” said one highly-energetic teenage Boost juice staff-member.
“Anyway have a good one man”
“Enjoy your juice bro”
